佗寂

thefrenemy:

When I see a cute or attractive person I will:

• run under the table like I am a dog and the dog has just seen the big cruel world and I am oh so scared of it because I am dog who just wants meaty table scraps. I might want to eat the taco out of your hand, but hopefully I will restrain myself.
• begin to shake like I am one of those rainmakers I got when I was eight and visited the Natural History Museum and that doesn’t even really shake but I’m keeping the metaphor because I like it. Shake. Rattle. Roll! 
• make a terrible joke to them. Do you want to hear a pun, maybe? I have a lot of puns here in my mind of terrible. Go ahead, watch my joke crash and burn like a paper plane I have now set on fire.
• awkwardly adjust my skirt and hair for seven hours, awkwardly adjust everything on my body type. See: head shoulder knees and toes (knees and toes).
• dominate the conversation with my boring, uncomfortable anecdotes. Do you want to hear the time I went to the zoo or something? No? I like sandwiches!
• fidget. I hate the word fidget but who cares, because this is me fidgeting. Let me put my hands in my pockets right now like they have the elixir of life at the bottom, and let me look like the Taco Bell Dog just took an Adderall.
• Try to look attractive and fail: Think angry American Apparel model just got punched in the stomach by reason and Crisco lard.
• Trip.
• Refuse to make eye contact in your eyes. Your eyes will know secrets in my Cave of Wonders (Aladdin)! Instead, let me just stare the wall directly behind you because maybe you never know that wall might want to make out with me and it doesn’t make me as nervous.
• Sip out of my drink 800 times in 30 seconds. Am I thirsty? Not really. The alcohol helps me forget or maybe giggle more.
• Have a convenient piece of cheese on the corner of my mouth, smudged eyeliner, or just a messy face in general. Oh how adorable, my hair has decided to curl up after I straightened it with 800 degree pits of sun hell iron for three hours this afternoon.
• not be as awesome as I have decided I am in my mind IF JUST PEOPLE WOULD NOTICE OKAY.
• not be interesting at all.
• be in the stupidest outfit I’ve ever worn. If you saw me yesterday, sir, you would have no idea how hot my ass looked in a mini skirt. Now I am wearing a trash dump as a dress, and We R Who We R.
• seem incredibly unpopular, as all my friends went to the bathroom even though five minutes ago I was totally awesome and surrounded by all the cool people in this venue.
• Probably I will burp. Probably I will seem like I never have had sex ever in the history of sex world.
• I know I seem terrible, but I swear if you were just a tiny bit less good-looking I would just be so hot right now.
• Suddenly have the inability to make conversation, or at least have the adorable characteristic of not being able to carry on a human conversation as if I am a monkey. A monkey who is stupid.
• Have to pee.
• Fail. I will fail.